Confessions of a Cowardly Magician
by Reno Keehl
Summary: First person, Fai. "You pretend like your did not see me ravished. Does it secretly bother you, Kurogane? Does it bother you to know the truth first hand? I wish you were blind. I wish you were deft."


_Kurogane, if you could see me now, I think you would have to cry. There is a ghost in the shadow behind me. He beckons to me. With his phantom hands, he reaches forward to try to take hold of me. Me, I am only safe for as long as you are by my side. Without you? I am prone to self-destruction…_

Why is it that nobody can see through this smile, Kurogane? I do not understand. But you…you who stand half away across the world can see through my entire being. It is just that nobody cares enough to notice that I am not quite myself? Do not get me wrong, my love. The fact that you noticed is both unnerving and fantastic. And it is not that I am purposely trying to catch their attention, but sometimes I want to rip off my mask.

If I did, do you think anyone would still find me attractive? Me? Well, honestly I think they would turn at the sight. What is there to see is repulsive. I think you know, Kurogane. I think you know that not only is my soul the colour of mud but my heart is rotten and my body's bent. You were there, Kurogane. I think you remember how they ripped me open and plundered me?

In the Country of Angels…my wings got torn off from behind. You were there watching, helplessly watching. Do you remember? I remember clearly. The pain that surged through my body…the humiliating way in which I cried out every time they plowed further and clawed at my insides. My eyes did not lie when I looked over to you crying, Kurogane. I wish they would. I wanted you to save me, but you were already in so much pain. I tried so hard not to cry… I was so angry at myself.

I got you into that mess. It was my fault that your sword got stolen. It was my fault that you got hurt. I did not want to look at you because after that event…after having looked at you with such terror in my eyes…after having been so violated right before you. How is it that you still look at me? Talk to me? How is it that you still treat me the same? You act as if nothing happened. You pretend like you did not see me ravished. Does it secretly bother you, Kurogane? Does it bother you to know the truth first hand? I wish you were blind. I wish you were deft.

I am not sure what I regret more; hurting you or letting you see me so broken. I am scared, Kurogane. I an scared that you think differently of me now, not that it would matter. You never had kind thoughts towards me anyway, did you? I know I have always been a bother to you. You must be happy, but no… I'm sorry. You don't like me, but you are not cruel. If anything I know _that _much about you. Regardless of how aloof you appear to be, regardless of how angry you are at the world, you are a truly kind person. Inside your heart somewhere is love and gentleness, Kurogane. I can hear it in the way you stutter slightly when you deny it. And even if none of the love is for me, I think I am happy knowing that you have the capacity to love. It makes me altogether very happy.

Unlike you, Kurogane, I never let my feelings and thoughts show on my face----never on purpose, anyway. I try so hard to maintain a gentle, lighthearted smile on my face at all times. I do not find the need to burden those around me with my "problems" as well. There is no need for me to bring upon the party something extra to worry about. Everyone here has enough trouble of their own. The princess is trying to capture her memories to sustain her life. Syaoran is desperately helping her in her journey, trying to save the girl her loves. He has his life devoted to her, even though he must battle the fact that she will never remember the common past they once shared with each other. And then there is you, Kurogane. You are the opposite of me. You are homesick; I am sick of home. No, actually I am dead afraid to go back.

I must keep running. It doesn't matter what happens to me or how I feel inside. The fact is the good of the party is more important than my measly fears.

I have learned to disregard them in order to keep a positive air. I have learned to lock them under my skin with a smile and eyes that never lie. But you've seen me when nobody is around before. You saw the emptiness in my eyes when I thought no one was watching. You saw the empty fear that was always present in my eyes when you look past my smile. For being false, they never do reach my eyes. The magic is lost.

I do not understand, Kurogane. For someone who so dislikes me, you pay more attention to me than anyone else I have ever known. Is it because I vex you that much? Or is it because you really do not hate me at all? Just wishful thinking, I guess. But…it would be nice if you did not despise me though. I surely have taken a deep liking to you. You might have noticed, and you might have chosen to disregard the fact completely, but I only make fun of you to get your attention. I just want you to talk to me. I know there is no reason for you to start conversation to me, so instigation is my only method. I also know that if you had a choice, you would ignore me completely.

I know that you cannot stand the sight of me, Kurogane. You are more of a gentleman than you would like to admit though, it's true. You put aside your dislike for me and treat me as an equal. But you know…it's okay if you hate me. It is fact that I am exactly everything you ever hated. I am prone to running where as you will stand and fight to the death to protect what is yours.

It makes perfect sense to me why you might hate me. Even Syaoran who is much younger than I am has enough courage to fight to the death\ for Sakura. But maybe, Kurogane, just maybe…you guys fight because you actually have something to protect. You have something you love, something worth fighting for. You guys want to live another day, so you actually try. Me? I have nothing worth protecting. My life itself is worthless excuse of a man. I don't care much to fight to live either. This life…this body…they mean nothing to me. Do not try to tell me otherwise. I am sure you do not think higher of me than I think of myself anyway.

Yes…If this confession makes you hate me more, then so be it, Kurogane. At least you will see me for all I am. Now you can see my true colours, and the picture they paint is that of a coward. Kurogane, I want to die. Why is it that I never care to fight to defend myself? Well, it is because I do not have the courage to end this sorry life with my own hands. I have thought about it many times before. How relieving it would be to watch as the blood rushed through my veins and out of my wrist, I thought. How euphorious would that be to just observe myself dying?

Here I am with those grim thoughts of suicide in my head once again. I am frustrated at how weak I am. I am frustrated that I am unable to run. I want so much just to escape this body, these wounds.

Kurogane, there are demons---no, there is a demon constantly snarling and snapping at my heel. The demon named Ashura will not give me peace of mind! He is always there the in most neglected corner of my mind regardless of how far and how fast I run. I cannot seem to flee from his hands, and he has all of me still. I cannot see to make him go away. I cannot seem to make this frightening pain stop. I do not know how to stop this endless journey.


End file.
